Euphoria Read online

  She got up and put on the shift she’d worn all week, a once white sundress she’d bought on 8th Street for a nickel.

  ‘Meni ma,’ she called as she rolled up the window shades.

  ‘Damo di lam,’ several called back. We are coming.

  ‘Meni ma,’ she said again, for it rarely sufficed to say things just once. The Tam used an operatic repetition when they spoke.

  ‘Damo di lam.’

  The house began to shake as people headed up the ladder.

  ‘Damo di lam.’

  Luquo came in first. ‘Baya ban,’ he muttered and only once as he hurried to reach the crayons and the paper and drop into his corner with them. His uncle would come get him within the hour, and scold him for coming here when he was expected to help mix pigments down on the men’s road. But Luquo was bored by the years of apprenticing that a boy must put in. He liked to come to the white woman’s house. He didn’t squat like the others but got on all fours with the paper beneath him, his muscles taut and his naked body swaying slightly as he pressed the crayons hard into the paper. He liked his colors deep and lush and he ground down a crayon as van Gogh was said to flay a brush. She wished she could show him a van Gogh, the self-portraits, for Luquo always drew a portrait, a fierce man in feathers and bones and paint, not a mask, not a head, but the full body of a man. My brother, he said whenever she asked. Xambun, he hollered.

  Others liked to talk. Amini, a girl of seven or eight, tried to come up with as many questions for Nell as Nell had for her. Amini wanted to know why she wore all that cloth, why she used a fork to eat, why she wore shoes. And she wanted to know how Nell made all these things she had. Today, as Nell was handing her her favorite doll, Amini asked something she could not understand. Amini repeated it then pointed to Nell’s fingers. She wanted to know why she had them all. Few adult Tam had all their fingers. Cutting off fingers was a ritual of mourning a close relative.

  ‘We do not cut our fingers,’ Nell said, using the other pronoun for we—nai—she had learned, which did not include the person being spoken to.

  Despite this grammatical flourish, Amini smiled the way they all did when she spoke. ‘Who do you mourn?’ she asked brightly, as if asking Nell her favorite color.

  ‘My sister,’ she told her. ‘Katie.’

  ‘Katie,’ Amina said.

  ‘Katie,’ Nell said.

  ‘Katie.’

  ‘Katie,’ said a few others, some squatting, chewing, drawing, weaving. The old man Sanjo had found one of Fen’s cigarettes and chewed on it slowly. Katie, the room murmured. It was like breathing life into something long inert. No one had ever said her name in their house afterward.

  There were no women visitors today. There were not often many, as they fished in the morning, but today there were none. And the men who’d come were agitated, scowling, full of complaints.

  Old Sanjo pointed to her typewriter in the big mosquito room. His skin stretched across his armpits like a bat’s, so thin it was nearly transparent.

  She had promised him she would show him how it worked.

  ‘Obe,’ she said to him. Yes.

  Nearly everyone got up.

  ‘Only Sanjo,’ she said.

  She took him into the room. He poked at the netting, firm in its wooden frame. He drew back to poke harder.

  No, she told him.

  He looked all around, tracing the lines of this ten-by-ten frame of netting they were in. He looked like he wanted to leave. Everyone else was peering in, noses against the screen.

  She ripped a piece of paper from her notebook and spun it around the platen.

  Sanjo, she typed quickly. He stepped back at the noise. Several children screamed. She pulled out the paper and handed it to him. ‘You. Sanjo. In English. In my talk.’

  He touched the letters she’d typed. ‘I have seen this before,’ he said. He pointed to her books. ‘I did not know it could be my name.’

  ‘It can be anything.’

  ‘They are powerful?’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘I do not want them.’

  She realized he saw the letters as part of his ‘dirt,’ a piece of him like hair or skin or shit that enemies could steal and put a hex on.

  ‘It is not your dirt.’

  He handed it back to her.

  ‘I will keep it here,’ she said. ‘Then it will be safe.’

  Fen did not return for lunch, so she was able to get out early on her rounds to the women’s houses. She had been visiting these twelve houses for six weeks now. They each contained several families, minus the men and the initiated boys, who slept in the ceremonial houses closer to the lake. Despite her daily progress with the language, she felt she’d reached an unexpected plateau with the women. The men, though harder to access because she was not allowed into their houses, were free with their words, included her in their talk of who would marry whom, and what would have to be paid, and to whom, while the women had far less patience for chatter. She had never known a tribe where the women were more reticent than the men.

  Because the rains were late, the road was a desiccated crust, hard as marble underfoot. Ripe fruit exploded when it hit the ground. Hot air blew down from the high trees, their dry fronds cracking against each other. Bugs aimed for her eyes and mouth, looking for moisture.

  At the turn in the road she found Fen with a few men, scraping out the last bits of wood pulp from the hollowed trunk with flat rocks. As usual, even for manual labour, the Tam men wore many strings of round yellow shells around their neck, armbands of bamboo fiber, and fox fur pubic covering. Their hair was curled and festooned with parrot feathers. The shell necklaces clacked rhythmically as they worked. Three skulls, leather-brown with age, were propped up against a tree nearby to oversee and bless the work of the descendants of their clan. One skull was missing its jaw. Nell looked for it and sure enough, it hung around the neck of Toabun, the clan elder.

  ‘Good day, Fenwick.’

  ‘Good day to you, mum,’ he said, straightening up.

  The other men stopped their work to watch them.

  He peeked into her basket. He’d taken off his shirt, and his chest was shiny with sweat and stippled with bugs and flecks of wood pulp. ‘Ah, the usual bribes, er, enticements, I see.’

  ‘They like a sweet canned peach at this hour.’

  He was an athletic man, so unlike the men in her family. He’d been a rugby player at school. His father told her, the one time they’d met, that Fen could have played for the Wallabies if he’d wanted to.

  ‘Don’t we all,’ he said, leaning in and peering down her dress. ‘A nice round white peach.’ He reached in, but she blocked him. The men behind him wheezed with laughter.

  He had begun to do this lately, perform for them in this way.

  ‘What’s going on today?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Something’s going on. Have they said anything?’

  He didn’t know and didn’t care. He kissed her and the men slapped the canoe and cackled.

  ‘Get some work done, Mr. Show-off.’

  She took the turn up the women’s road and when she turned back, he was bent over the canoe again. There was no notebook nearby. He hadn’t even brought it.

  Fen didn’t want to study the natives; he wanted to be a native. His attraction to anthropology was not to puzzle out the story of humanity. It was not ontological. It was to live without shoes and eat from his hands and fart in public. He had a quick mind, a photographic memory, and a gift for both poetry and theory—he had wooed her with these qualities night and day for six weeks on the boat from Singapore to Marseille—but they didn’t seem to give him much pleasure. His interest lay in experiencing, in doing. Thinking was derivative. Dull. The opposite of living. Whereas she suffered through the humidity and the sago and the lack of plumbing only for the thinking. As a little girl in bed at night, when other girls were wishing for ponies or roller skates, she wished for a band of gypsies to climb up into her wi
ndow and take her away with them to teach her their language and their customs. She imagined how, after a few months, they would return her home and after the hugs and tears she would tell her family all about these people. Her stories would go on for days. The pleasurable part of the fantasy was always in the coming home and relating what she had seen. Always in her mind there had been the belief that somewhere on earth there was a better way to live, and that she would find it.

  In The Children of Kirakira she described for a Western audience the way one tribe in the Solomon island of Makira raised their children. In the final chapter, she made a few brief comparisons between Kirakira and American child-rearing customs. She submitted her manuscript not to a university press but to William Morrow, where it was quickly accepted. Mr. Morrow suggested she expand those comparisons into a couple of chapters at the end, which she did, and happily, for it was what interested her most, but it became the sort of opining that hadn’t been done in ethnographical writing before. Americans, she discovered upon publication, had never considered the possibility of another way to raise children. They were astounded by Kirakira children paddling in boats alone at age three, still sucking on their mothers’ breasts at age five, and, yes, disappearing into the forest or down onto the beach with a lover of either sex at age thirteen. Her research had been a bit too graphic for a general readership, and her theory that adolescence didn’t have to be full of the misery and rebelliousness it was in America got lost in the uproar. Fen liked the money the book brought in, but he had planned on his name becoming a household word, not hers. But he hadn’t written anything more than a short monograph about his Dobu.

  In her grant proposal, she claimed that she would continue her inquiry of child-rearing in primitive cultures, but the Tam were tempting her with something even more enticing. At first she dared not hope, but the data kept coming: taboo reversals, sisters-in-law on friendly terms, emphasis on female sexual satisfaction. Yesterday Chanta explained to her that he could not go to visit his sick nephew in the far hamlet because his wife’s vulva would go wandering if he did. They were grand on the word vulva. When Nell asked if an elderly widow would ever marry again, several people said at the same time: ‘Has she not a vulva?’ Girls themselves decided whom they would marry, and when. Fen disagreed with every conclusion she drew on this topic. He said she was blinded by her desire to see them this way, and when she laid out her evidence he said whatever power the women had was temporary, situational. The Tam had been chased out by the Kiona and only recently restored to their lake by the Australian government. Many of their men had been killed or calaboosed or blackbirded, he said. Whatever she saw was a temporary aberration.

  She decided to go to the last house first today. She was often depleted by the time she got there, and her notes on those families were always less substantial than the others.

  ‘Baya ban,’ a little girl called from the first house.

  ‘Baya ban, Sema.’

  ‘Baya ban, Nell-Nell.’

  ‘I’m not coming …’ Nell couldn’t finish the sentence. She didn’t know the word for yet. ‘Fumo,’ she said finally. Later.

  ‘Baya ban, Nell-Nell.’

  No one seemed to be home at the other houses she passed. No smoke rose from their roofs, no one leaned out of the doorway to call a greeting. Some children were playing a game behind the houses. She could hear their bodies snapping through the brush and then a collective scream when someone was caught. At first her presence had stopped their games. The same children who played in her house in the morning rushed to hide beneath the houses, spying, giggling, shrieking even. But now they didn’t notice, didn’t even come to see what was in her basket for them. Now they knew she would come to each of their houses and they would see the goodies later.

  From the last house on the women’s road smoke was rising. All five fireplaces were being used, and she could hear heavy footfall, more like running than dancing. She heard murmurs but no words. Instead of calling out from below first, she climbed up the ladder without a word. The running footsteps grew louder and the whole house shook. People seemed to be yelling at each other in a loud whisper.

  Nell-Nell di lam, she said before she pushed the bark cloth aside and stepped in.

  It was dim, all the blinds drawn, and she could see little. There was a high-pitched clattering at the back half of the long house, shells or stones being moved around and women whispering and their bare feet thudding quickly across the floorboards. Malun greeted her and offered her guava juice as she always did. Her eyes adjusted and she could make out mosquito bags laid out down the length of the house, but only the long ones, none for the children. Women, thirty or so, many more than usual, were strewn on the floor. Some had torn nets or half-finished baskets in their laps, but many were doing nothing, which Nell had seen plenty of times among the men but never among the women. The women here were never idle. Some raised their heads and whispered their greetings to her.

  Malun returned with the drink. Her face was bathed in sweat. The house held a humidity far beyond the normal tropical damp. As she handed Malun things from her basket, she watched her carefully. Her pupils were dilated and tears of sweat were running down her stomach. She had an odd, enigmatic expression on her face and seemed to be trying hard to concentrate. Nell looked for signs of betel nut, lime powder, and mustard pods—a potent combination she knew the Mumbanyo used for a strong high—but saw nothing. Or perhaps they had some other drug. They were high on something, she knew that much. Some seemed unable to keep a smile from twisting up the sides of their mouths, like her brother at the dinner table after he’d snuck off with a bottle of her father’s gin. Her own sweat prickled her face and thighs. She’d worked through her own illness and injury; she’d worked with people who only told her lies, who chatted and laughed through every question, who ignored her, teased her, imitated her. It was all, all of it, part of the job, but this odd conspiracy of sweaty women seemed to press at a tender spot deep in her. She picked up her basket and left. It was silent as she climbed down, but when she was five steps away the house exploded with laughter.

  11

  Seven weeks. I waited seven full weeks and then I could not wait anymore. I got in the canoe before sunrise and gunned it, slaloming through black clouds of mosquitoes and the occasional croc drifting like a tree limb. The sky glowed a pale green, the flesh of a cucumber. The sun came up suddenly, too bright. It grew hot fast. I was used to the heat, but that morning, even moving swiftly in my canoe, I was overcome by it. Halfway there my vision began to sparkle and blacken, and I had to pull over briefly.

  I knew the Tam were already a success by the greeting I got. The women in their canoes in the middle of the lake called out loud hellos that I heard over my engine, and a few men and children came down to the beach and gave me big floppy Tam waves. A noticeable shift from the chary welcome we’d received six weeks earlier. I cut the engine and several men came and pulled the boat to shore, and without my having to say a word two swaybacked young lads with something that looked like red berries woven in their curled hair led me up a path and down a road, past a spirit house with an enormous carved face over the entryway—a lean and angry fellow with three thick bones through his nose and a wide open mouth with many sharp teeth and a snake’s head for a tongue. It was much more skilled than the Kiona’s rudimentary depictions, the lines cleaner, the colors—red, black, green, and white—far more vivid and glossy, as if the paint were still wet. We passed several of these ceremonial houses and from the doorways men called down to my guides and they called back. They took me in one direction then, as if I wouldn’t notice, turned me around and doubled back down the same road past the same houses, the lake once again in full view. Just when I thought their only plan was to parade me round town all day, they turned a corner and stopped before a large house, freshly built, with a sort of portico in front and blue-and-white cloth curtains hanging in the windows and doorway. I laughed out loud at this English tea shop encircled by pampas
grass in the middle of the Territories. A few pigs were digging around the base of the ladder.

  From below I heard footsteps creaking the new floor. The cloth at the windows and doors puffed in and out from the movement within.

  ‘Hallo the house!’ I’d heard this in an American frontier film once.

  I waited for someone to emerge but no one did, so I climbed up and stood on the narrow porch and knocked on one of the posts. The sound was absorbed by the voices inside, quiet, nearly whispery, but insistent, like the drone of a circling aeroplane. I stepped closer and pulled the curtain aside a few inches. I was struck first by the heat, then the smell. There were at least thirty Tam in the front room, on the floor or perched oddly on chairs, in little groups or even alone, everyone with a project in front of them. Many were children and adolescents, but there were men, too, and a few nursing mothers and elderly women. People moved across the room with purpose, as if they were in a bank or a newsroom, yet in a distinctly Tam style, weight back and bare feet making a sort of smooth slide forward. Every few minutes I had to turn my head to the side to take in cooler, less fetidly human outdoor air, like a swimmer turning for breath. The smell of humanity—without soaps, without washing, without doctors to remove the rot of teeth or limbs—is pungent even outdoors at a ceremony, but inside, with the blinds down and the fire lit to keep away the bugs, it’s nearly asphyxiating. Slowly I became aware, as I did my peering in and sipping of the air behind me, of all their belongings. I’d thought the two hundred porters to get up to the Anapa had been an exaggeration, but now I understood it had to be true.

  They had brought bookshelves and a Dutch cabinet and a little sofa. At least a thousand books lined the shelves and spilled onto the floor in great piles. Oil lamps rested on end tables. Two writing desks in the large mosquito room. Boxes and boxes of paper and carbon. Photography equipment. Dolls, blocks, toy trains and rails, a wooden barn with animals, molding clay, and art supplies. And great coffers of things still unpacked. In the smaller mosquito room I could see a mattress, a real mattress, though it did not seem to have a box spring or frame, and sat on the floor looking swollen and out of place. I didn’t understand how it was that the Tam weren’t pawing over their things, pressing the typewriter keys and tearing pages out of books, as the few Kiona children I’d ever let in my house had done. Nell and Fen had established an order—and a trust—I’d never even aimed for.